Step 1: Admitting You Have a Problem

Inspired by my friend Catherine's blog  http://hellothreeoh.blogspot.com/, I have decided to create my own blog for the year 2012.  It's an understatement to say I had high hopes for 2011.  In college, I think I had a solid six year plan and the culminating year 2011 was to include the following: my mandatory service obligation to military expiring and thus getting out of the Air Force, massive birthday celebration since my 28th birthday fell on Fat Tuesday, and inevitable wedding to then college boyfriend.

I am happily still in the military and plan to be for the long haul.  My first cousin to marry decided to get married in Floriday during the weekend preceding Fat Tuesday (well his wife did) and I could not imagine missing it.  The college boyfriend and I broke up years ago after the following exchange:
Me-"I don't think it's appropriate you talk to _______ about what kind of underwear she wears."
Him-"I don't think I want to get married and I don't want to have kids."

For every graduation, minor accomplishment, birthday, and break-up, my dear friend, Rosemary, sends a greeting card.  One of the break-up cards says, "Break-ups are like bikini waxes...excruciating, but so worth it."  In each of these cards she sends, whether they be for the latest tragedy that's  befallen me or a Merry Christmas/Happy New Year, Rosemay assures me she has a feeling that 2008/2009/2010/2011 is going to be my year.  This year, I am determined to prove her right. 

But before I do that, I think it's important to acknowledge the bumps along my road to recovery.  For a good stretch, my life was great.  I graduated law school, passed the bar exam, began a relationship with a man with whom I was head over heels in love and thought was it, landed my dream job as a prosecutor, and been accepted to the JAG Corps.  Sadly at the end of 2010, man of dreams abruptly broke up with me after we had been house hunting together and he had asked me about the house he ultimately bought, "Could you see yourself living here?"  He said he couldn't be in a relationship while he was in dental school...the dental school that I pretty much got him into after I wrote his entire personal statement.  I felt like a starter wife.  Just a couple months after the break up, I ran into him in a hotel lobby at reserve duty with some barely legal girl he had brought to stay with him over the weekend.  Yes, that happened, but it gets better.  In March of 2011, in my attempt to be a grown up and make nice with someone I have many mutual friends with and at the time still worked with, I went to dinner and mass with him one evening after work.  Would you believe that he tried to get me to stay with him when our awkward hotel lobby encounter was just two months prior?  He swore she (barely legal cheerleader who graduated college in 2010) was just a friend, but I, of course, declined the offer to stay and go to the beach with him for the week.  I'd like to say it was because I have my head screwed on so well, but a lot more of it probably had to do with the fact that I have a job that I needed to go to the next day.  We didn't speak for a while after that, but in early May, he contacted me wanting to know more details about the trip to San Fermin (The Running of the Bulls) that I took a few years ago.  San Fermin is ALWAYS July 6th through July 14th.  A few days later, I found out he was engaged to the barely legal girl I'd seen in the hotel lobby.

So that happened in May and that was a hard pill to swallow...made even harder by exboyfriend/notthemanofmydreams repeatedly calling me and leaving messages wanting to share some good news with me. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I THINK THIS IS GOOD NEWS!?!?!  But it gets better, because he invited me to the wedding, WITHOUT A PLUS ONE!  Did I also mention that the engagement happened in early to mid May and the wedding was set for July 2, 2011?  (Now do you see relevance of San Fermin dates?  Was he really asking me for honeymoons advice???)  I just finally shredded the invitation and did notice my invitation was postmarked something like June 23rd and my reply was asked to be sent via email by June 29th or something like that.  Yeah so that happened.  In June/July of 2011, my friend, Katherine, set me up with who I am sure is a really nice guy, but it was doomed for failure.  It was really hard for me when asked how my day was by someone who was a borderline stranger/potential interest and I really wanted to respond with, "It sucked...got an invitation in the mail to my most recent ex-boyfriend's wedding without a plus one...did he think I could just share a date with his soon to be wife?"  I am at least sane enough to know that you can't say those things to someone you've just met. 

And then as if that weren't enough, I finally went to the JAG School, which aside from the 2 visits to the Emergency Room (one on the night before the first day of school) and one broken bone, was awesome.  I returned to my full-time civilian job and was welcomed back with less than open arms.  For those of you who haven't talked to me in the past year, see www.esgr.org/site/USERRA.aspx 
The short of it is that employers of guardsmen and reservists need to cut off their left arm if they need to in order to reemploy a returning servicemember into a position of the same seniority and status they would have attained had they never left (including promotions and raises).  Let's just say almost the complete opposite happened to me and it's been a huge struggle for me because as a JAG, standing for the rights of my clients under USERRA is what I do.  I now know first hand why anyone who represents themselves has a fool for a client/lawyer.  All that stuff at work happened while I was under contract to buy a condo and when I wasn't sure if I was even going to still have a job and my contract lapsed without closing, I decided to back out.  My realtor was less than understanding, saying that I didn't just get to throw my hands up in the air and change my mind.  Actually I did.  The contract had lapsed.  I am a lawyer afterall. 


That just about covers all of the bad luck that has befallen me over the last year and a half...with the exception of my 2008 Nissan Altima with non-working airbags.  The law suit is still on-going, but I did turn in the car on December 31, 2011 and I think that is symbolic of the impending change of luck. 

I know little to nothing about AA and the twelve step program, but I do have a friend who has been attending and been sober since December 19th.  I am very proud of my friend and will try to use that person to gain more knowledge.  I have nonetheless decided to model the recovery of my good luck and fortune and ultimate happiness after the twelve step program.  It's seemed to work for many people kicking drugs and alcohol so if ain't broke, why fix it?  Traditionally, step 1 in AA is admitting that you were powerless over alcohol and life had become unmanageable.  This will obviously need some tweaking for my purposes.

Each month, I will examine a new step/goal, but will try do some updates throughout the month.  I can never hope to be as funny or witty as professional writer and friend, Jenny, who pens the most hilarious blog every Tuesday (http://jennysays-hellofools.blogspot.com/).  Blogging is afterall a lot cheaper than professional counseling and considering I've been banned from a dentist before for cancelling and no-showing too many appointments due to court, I don't think I should be committing to any/anymore weekly appointments or events.  So here goes...

Step 1: I admit that I have somehow shifted my locus of control to an external one and allowed other people and things to affect my happiness and deter me from my goals and aspirations.  So long as I allow this to continue, I will never learn to be happy with what I have and who I am.

-Katie